God Really Is Good.
Sometimes its hard to understand why something happened a way that it did. God can do anything, i believe (and have seen Him do some amazing things on this trip, so i KNOW it), and esp when i think He's led me to believe He will/can do something, and then when it doesn't happen the way or in the time that i have imagined it would - God??? What happened?? Did i hear you wrong? Did i not follow you completely... in the equation of "i obey, God opens doors"...
Take this past situation with getting to Kenya.
I felt like God ASKED me what i wanted to do - stay in Mozambique, go to Joburg, go to Cape Town, or go to JoBurg to see if/that He would/could open doors for me to get to Nairobi early...
Stepping out on a limb, or actually like climbing up one more step higher on the stairs and knowing my DAD is down there to catch me, and i take a BIG leap - in the air, trusting that He will catch me.
But then i fell. What?? Why, God?? I thought??? That's not cool and that's not fair. Are you playing games with me?? I don't like that. Can i trust you again to step out on a limb or to climb up those stairs and you say, "its ok to jump"... What happened??
The doors didn't open this week like i thought. Monday - no way to fly, Tues - still working on getting ticket details, Wed - same thing, maybe some progress, going to bed, trusting God can open it up for Thurs, its going to be the day to see big things... Thurs - VERY shut door. "you have to buy your own ticket to Nairobi, the central office will not issue the ticket that you want."
what??? God????
That night I was mad. hurt. frustrated. God?? i trusted you. i stepped out. why would you do this?? it was to be for your glory. People were praying for this/for me... what do i tell them? That you didn't do it. It wouldn't have been so bad if i just made all this up and wanted God to do something for me; but in this case, i really felt like God was saying, 'I can do anything, what do you want to do? i can do it'. And then i would have to choose (that's been one of the lessons on this trip - that God allows and loves for me to choose!!!!! Not just - God, what's your "will"? WILL - that big, strong, heavy, uucky word that feels like a trap to me, with no freedom, captive... but a new understanding of will - like a co-design b/w God and me...) and He would/could do it. So i jumped. And it was scary. And then it didn't happen. what????
Here's the lesson that i felt God spoke to my heart and mind that night, after going to a church group and having people pray with me/for me... sharing my hurt/frustration...
My understanding of God and me: (how its morphed over time... and on this trip)
1) God says. I either listen and obey - and get 2 stars; or i don't listen, or listen and don't obey - and He is disappointed in me.... has changed to....
2) God asks, "what do you want to do?" i say, "really?? are you kidding??" then i think about it, think what i want to do - and say it... (travel around the world)... Then i step out and start doing the things to move in that direction... and miraculously and by HIS grace - He has made it happen.
3) God asks, "what do you want to do?" i say, "really?? are you kidding??" then i think about it, think what i want to do - and say it... Then i step out and start doing the things to move in that direction... then it didn't happen... something else happened instead.
So what's the deal? He showed me - He is like my Husband - He delights in me, and wants/desires to hear what i want to do, what my ideas are, loves them! But then, He is responsible for the big picture, and looks out over the whole scene... and then makes a decision, with my input, and it is a decision for my good and the good of the family...
(in this case - He taught me a major lesson of walking with Him thru this, for my good... that i would not have learned had the doors opened up earlier this week to go to Nairobi - which He also could have easily had happen... and He exposed/shined light on/freed me from some junk that i've been walking in, that came as a result of staying here longer...)
I had a picture of me dancing w/ Jesus, and He asked me what I wanted to do, b/c He delighted in me. I told him, and He looked up and around, and then made the best decision for us... and He led. I'm learning to follow with love and trust. I was an angry, hurt, frustrated, mis-understanding dance partner... but by His goodness and grace, He communicated to my heart a new lesson of walking with Him. He is SO good. He showed me that i can really really really trust His goodness, that's His character, even when things don't go according to my understanding - even my understanding of what He said or how He should work or how a situation should turn out.
He IS amazing.
2 comments:
He really is good! Aren't we odd to need to suffer through His "no" to really understand the wonder and grace of Him! Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
We've gone through many trials the past few years; financially, unemployment, depression, etc. and what I have learned the most is that God wants me to be patient with him...that the world revolves in HIS time, not mine! Somehow things get really bad (in my eyes), but somehow we pull through, because He is there...I'm glad you're seeing that, too. I'm also glad that you are able to be grateful for the smallest things He's provided for you, even while you are agonizing over the largest things. The kindness of strangers, great food, awe-inspiring scenery, etc....all special things He has made available to you. Enjoy!
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