God Really Is Good.

Sometimes its hard to understand why something happened a way that it did. God can do anything, i believe (and have seen Him do some amazing things on this trip, so i KNOW it), and esp when i think He's led me to believe He will/can do something, and then when it doesn't happen the way or in the time that i have imagined it would - God??? What happened?? Did i hear you wrong? Did i not follow you completely... in the equation of "i obey, God opens doors"...

Take this past situation with getting to Kenya.


I felt like God ASKED me what i wanted to do - stay in Mozambique, go to Joburg, go to Cape Town, or go to JoBurg to see if/that He would/could open doors for me to get to Nairobi early...
Stepping out on a limb, or actually like climbing up one more step higher on the stairs and knowing my DAD is down there to catch me, and i take a BIG leap - in the air, trusting that He will catch me.

But then i fell. What?? Why, God?? I thought??? That's not cool and that's not fair. Are you playing games with me?? I don't like that. Can i trust you again to step out on a limb or to climb up those stairs and you say, "its ok to jump"... What happened??

The doors didn't open this week like i thought. Monday - no way to fly, Tues - still working on getting ticket details, Wed - same thing, maybe some progress, going to bed, trusting God can open it up for Thurs, its going to be the day to see big things... Thurs - VERY shut door. "you have to buy your own ticket to Nairobi, the central office will not issue the ticket that you want."
what??? God????

That night I was mad. hurt. frustrated. God?? i trusted you. i stepped out. why would you do this?? it was to be for your glory. People were praying for this/for me... what do i tell them? That you didn't do it. It wouldn't have been so bad if i just made all this up and wanted God to do something for me; but in this case, i really felt like God was saying, 'I can do anything, what do you want to do? i can do it'. And then i would have to choose (that's been one of the lessons on this trip - that God allows and loves for me to choose!!!!! Not just - God, what's your "will"? WILL - that big, strong, heavy, uucky word that feels like a trap to me, with no freedom, captive... but a new understanding of will - like a co-design b/w God and me...) and He would/could do it. So i jumped. And it was scary. And then it didn't happen. what????

Here's the lesson that i felt God spoke to my heart and mind that night, after going to a church group and having people pray with me/for me... sharing my hurt/frustration...

My understanding of God and me: (how its morphed over time... and on this trip)
1) God says. I either listen and obey - and get 2 stars; or i don't listen, or listen and don't obey - and He is disappointed in me.... has changed to....

2) God asks, "what do you want to do?" i say, "really?? are you kidding??" then i think about it, think what i want to do - and say it... (travel around the world)... Then i step out and start doing the things to move in that direction... and miraculously and by HIS grace - He has made it happen.

3) God asks, "what do you want to do?" i say, "really?? are you kidding??" then i think about it, think what i want to do - and say it... Then i step out and start doing the things to move in that direction... then it didn't happen... something else happened instead.
So what's the deal? He showed me - He is like my Husband - He delights in me, and wants/desires to hear what i want to do, what my ideas are, loves them! But then, He is responsible for the big picture, and looks out over the whole scene... and then makes a decision, with my input, and it is a decision for my good and the good of the family...
(in this case - He taught me a major lesson of walking with Him thru this, for my good... that i would not have learned had the doors opened up earlier this week to go to Nairobi - which He also could have easily had happen... and He exposed/shined light on/freed me from some junk that i've been walking in, that came as a result of staying here longer...)

I had a picture of me dancing w/ Jesus, and He asked me what I wanted to do, b/c He delighted in me. I told him, and He looked up and around, and then made the best decision for us... and He led. I'm learning to follow with love and trust. I was an angry, hurt, frustrated, mis-understanding dance partner... but by His goodness and grace, He communicated to my heart a new lesson of walking with Him. He is SO good. He showed me that i can really really really trust His goodness, that's His character, even when things don't go according to my understanding - even my understanding of what He said or how He should work or how a situation should turn out.

He IS amazing.